I won the lottery...

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The wife says, "Oh my god!  What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The husband yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get the hell out!"

confessions from the death bed.....

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.

"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".

Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?"

"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."

A nice tall drink...

Under the cover, or lights on?

Biology 101...little johnny

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
 
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."
"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
 
And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

How to stay married.....

At the session last week, the priest asked Cristiano, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all those years.

Cristiano announced to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treata her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary.'

The priest responded, 'Cristiano, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th
anniversary?'

Six quick ways to get rid of a blind date!

1. Repeat every third third word you say say.
2. Brag about your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
3. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
4. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
5. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
6. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

Communication 101

It was Friday night and Joseph and his wife, Natalie, had just gotten into their third argument of the day and were now giving each other the silent treatment, vowing not to be the first one to speak.
However, at bedtime, Joseph realized that he would need his wife, who always woke up at 4:30am to wake him at 5:00am for golf with his friends. Not wanting to lose the battle of wills, Joseph wrote on a piece of paper,
"Natalie, please wake me at 5:00am."
The next morning, Joseph woke up at 9:00am, having missed the golf game with his friends. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper on the bedside table.
It read,
 
"Joseph, it's 5:00am. Wake up."

Woman vs. Man discussion

A husband asks:

Dana, "Why do you cry and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met? It's just a movie, don't let it get to you!"

She turns with a glare and says, "For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know makes a touchdown."

It happens!

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.

Woman overboard!

A guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

Lessons: Womens Dictionary (part one)

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. -- You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

Childbirth (child*brth) n. -- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breathe....push...."

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. -- A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. -- The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

 

A new way to get Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

Crazy husband...

A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!"

"Good.."

"Now I also want you to take off my Bra."

"Good..."

"Now can you take off my panties."

"Very Good! Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"

Bitter Mother-in-law

The natural look

The other night, my wife and I were going out. She sat there and put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and enquired, 'Does this look natural?'

Seven o'clock sex

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

The real father...

A woman and a man wanted to have a baby, so they went to the doctor to see if there was a way. When the doctor came in, told them about a new study that transfers all the pain from the mother to the father during delivery. They both agreed to take part in the study.

Later, when the woman went into labor, her husband was hooked up to the device to transfer the pain. After it was hooked up the doctor turned on the power. The man didn't feel anything so he told the doctor to turn the power up. After the power was turned up the man still couldn't feel anything. The doctor turned it up more. The man still couldn't feel it. Finally, the doctor turned it up the whole way. The woman delivered a beautiful baby, and neither of them felt any pain.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the doorstep.

Who wears the pants?

A young newlywed couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed the husband who was a big burley bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said,"here put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants." she said.

"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.

He said, "Hell I can't get into your pants!"

She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!

---

The wedding night...

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."