Bitter Mother-in-law

The natural look

The other night, my wife and I were going out. She sat there and put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and enquired, 'Does this look natural?'

Seven o'clock sex

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

The real father...

A woman and a man wanted to have a baby, so they went to the doctor to see if there was a way. When the doctor came in, told them about a new study that transfers all the pain from the mother to the father during delivery. They both agreed to take part in the study.

Later, when the woman went into labor, her husband was hooked up to the device to transfer the pain. After it was hooked up the doctor turned on the power. The man didn't feel anything so he told the doctor to turn the power up. After the power was turned up the man still couldn't feel anything. The doctor turned it up more. The man still couldn't feel it. Finally, the doctor turned it up the whole way. The woman delivered a beautiful baby, and neither of them felt any pain.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the doorstep.

Who wears the pants?

A young newlywed couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed the husband who was a big burley bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said,"here put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants." she said.

"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.

He said, "Hell I can't get into your pants!"

She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!

---

The wedding night...

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

A good woman....

Nigel and Stephen, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers, they were out enjoying some night fishing while on holiday. Their wives were off together in Poitou-Charente, France.

Slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Nigel announces, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in eighteen months.'

Stephen downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, 'Think it over a bit more, Nige; women like that are hard to find.'

Back seat driver!

A driver is stopped by a police officer.

The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

A guy in the bar....

A guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

0 to 200 in sixty seconds...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

Money talks!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

The frog and the engineer

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess… that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Suspicious Mind

Russ, a deeply suspicious husband, hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's affairs.

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.  Although the quality was less than professional, Russ saw his wife meeting another man.  He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. Russ viewed them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He then watched them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. Russ saw them having fun and continually laughing together.
'I just can't believe this,' spluttered the distraught Russ.
'What's not to believe?' the detective responded. 'It's right up there on the screen.'

'I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun.' Russ replies grimly.

Worst pick up lines ever!

"Hey, do you have the time?" 
"Because I've got the place..." 

If you're left leg was Thanksgiving, and your right was Christmas, would you mind if I visited you between the holidays?"

I may be no Flinstone, but I can make your bed rock!"

"Was your daddy a farmer? 
Because I'm lovin' those melons!"

"Is your daddy a pirate?"
"You could have fooled me with booty like that."

Fake hair, true story!

I was on a road trip with my girls for some gambling fun. After a few drinks, he and I ended up at my hotel room. He'd complimented me all night on my long beautiful hair. I didn't have the nerves to tell him it wasn't real. One thing lead to another and he started pulling on my hair. Until an extension pulled out. Right into his hand! What else could I do? I took it from him in the middle of the heat and clipped it back on.

Blind date! Hilarious......

Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with a college friend.
Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, "I'll be with her all night."
"Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her first.
If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout “Aaaaaauuuggghhh!” and fake a heart attack."
That night Bob knocks at the girl's door. When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and gorgeous she is.
He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs her heart, shouts “Aaaaaauuuuggghh!” and collapses with a heart attack.

Save gas...share a ride!

A husband in trouble....

A wife accompanied her husband to the Dr.’s office. After his checkup, the doc called her to his office. "Your husband has a severe disease. If you don't do the following, he will die. Each morning, fix him breakfast, be pleasant…make sure he’s in a good mood. NO chores! Don't discuss problems with him. Encourage sports. And mostly, satisfy his every whim. With this, your husband will regain his health." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"  "You're going to die," she replied.

Ever send a message to the wrong person?

A man left on vacation to Florida. His wife was meeting him the next day. At his hotel, he sent her a quick e-mail. Only, he missed one letter and his note was sent to an elderly woman whose husband had just passed away. As the widow read it, she let out a terrifying scream. It read: DEAREST WIFE, JUST GOT CHECKED IN. ...EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. YOUR LOVING HUSBAND, P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

Cartoon pic of the day

Why men shouldn't take messages!

Grandpa and Viagra...

Grandpa found Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked if he could try one. The son said, "I don't know, they're very strong and expensive." "How much?" he asked. “$10 dollars a pill,” the son said. "I don't care. I'll try one, and leave the money under your pillow.” The next morning the son found $110.00 under h...is pillow. Grandpa, "I said each pill was $10.00, not $110.00. "I know, the $100 is from Grandma."

Tom gives a toast....

On their 25th anniversary celebration, Tom was asked to give a speech on the benefits of a long marriage. "Tell us Tom, what have you learned in all the wonderful years with your wife?"Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restrai...nt, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

Husband looks back on his life....

A wife awoke to find her husband gone. She goes downstairs, and he's sitting at a table in deep in thought. "What's wrong dear?" He looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago and you were only 17? When your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes," she said. "He shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Marry my daug...hter, or go to jail for 20 years." He wipes a tear from his cheek..."I would have gotten out today!"